TRamayan: A Spoof!

Characters: R – Ram; L – Lakshman; H – Hanuman; V – Ravan; S – Seeta.

Scene 1 [Ram and Lakshman are walking in the forest after Ravan takes away Seeta to Lanka]

L: So where are we going?
R: You ask that one more time and I’m leaving you!
L: Why so serious?
R: What do you mean why so serious? I didn’t want you on this trip in the first place!
L: Well, I thought that’d be obvious! You’re like 22 now, and I’m not even 20. Who’s gonna get me the booze?
R: Yeah, I can’t drink alone, too. So come along.
L: So where are we going?
R: Ok. Don’t make me repeat this. You know that chick I met the other day?
L: Seeta?
R: That’s the one. Really charming female. This dude’s taken her away to this island for the week end.
L: Uh oh! How did that happen?
R: Well, you know how we went on that picnic and she asked for the golden deer, and you cut that other chick’s nose?
L: C’mon man, I couldn’t help it! She looked like *********** (name withheld on request) for God’s sakes!
R: Yeah yeah, ok ok. Well the deer apparently belonged to this guy. So now, she’s gone.
L: Cool. Don’t worry man, we’ll get her back. So where are we going?
R: I know this friend from college who lives nearby. The name’s Hanuman. Nice guy.

Scene 2 [Ram and Lakshman are talking to Hanuman while the monkey army is assembling in the background]

R: Nice day. Pretty breezy. Sweet.
H: Cut the small talk. Get to the point.
L: I like you! And your tail! How do you keep it so silky and shiny?
H: Well it’s the shampoo. A special mix of…
R: Oh c’mon! My chick’s gone and you guys are worried about tails!
H: Oh! Sorry man. I’m sorry.
L: Yeah. Me too.
R: Got anything to drink? You know what I’m talking about.
H: I got stuff, yeah, but you wouldn’t wanna pee or puke on the way.
L: That’s there.
R: Right! So what’s the plan?
H: I got everything worked out man! First, we get this bridge thing built. The mechanical engineer monkeys are working on it.
L: How come I can’t see them?
H: Must be mass bunking. Anyway, next, we walk over this bridge, get off the other end, and then give this Ravan guy a missed call. He comes out and…
R: But I don’t have balance. You?
L: I don’t have balance either.
H: Well then give him a call request. He should show up in a few minutes. Etisalat?
[Both L and R]: Yup.
H: So that’s done. In the meanwhile, I’ll go to this guy’s place and meet your chick and tell her everything’s fine.
L: That’s a nice bit of thinking. But how’s she gonna know Ram sent you?
R: I got it. Here! Take my CGPA card. She’ll know it’s me. [Starts crying]
H: Oh man! C’mon. You don’t have to cry for this. You should know I’m dumber than you!

Scene 3 [The battle has begun, and Hanuman is away getting herbs for the injured Lakshman. Meanwhile, Ram engages Ravan while Seeta watches from the side]

[Background: A voice is shouting “M-M-M-MONSTER KILL!!!” and “UNSTOPPABLE!!!” as and when someone dies or scores a win]

V: Look at you loonies in my backyard! You know I’m gonna crush you like a bunch of ants under my feet! [Laughs with the sound of ten heads]
R: Don’t be so sure of victory, you five-times two-faced all-talk no-c**k! [Profanity buzzer goes off]! I’ll blog you, goddamn it!
V: Please! I know for a fact you can’t blog me! Leave that to Aditya Anand. Is he here by the way?
R: So where’s she? Where’s Seeta?
V: Don’t holler like that here! Just hear me out.
R: What?!
V: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
R: Which is… ?
V: You leave me with Seeta, and you get a carton. What say?
R: Hmmm… It is hard to refuse this. You got Blues?
V: No man. Only Reds.
R: Screw it! I’m taking Seeta!
S: You think I’m some product you can barter around? Shame on you guys!
R: Hey, hey! I’m here to take you home and that’s what I’m gonna do. Yo ten-face [to Ravan]! You want Seeta?! You’ll have to get through me first!
V: No one comes to my home carrying the stench of death. No one comes to my doorstep and insults my wife.
R: You have a wife?! Where’s she?
V: Let me finish! [Repeats the same lines] No one tells me what to do. In. My. Country. THIS! IS! LANKA!!! [Ravan sena shouts and clamours]
R: [Retreats to some distance] You face an army of free people who have nothing to lose! Indians! Leave nothing! Take everything! Tonight, we dine in hell!

[Shouting everywhere; all of the monkey army and the Ravan sena join battle. Hanuman returns in time to save Lakshman, who then resume fighting. After some fighting, the scene clears and we find Ram and Lakshman, and Ravan in a two-on-one, while Hanuman and Seeta watch from the side]

L: I tried! But this guy won’t die! It’s no use trying to kill him with arrows. He’s too IMBA!
R: Seeta! Does he have any weakness?!
S: Well, I don’t know. But he told me he had to leave a girl named Anita to come to me.
R: Oi! Hanu! Get this Anita female from somewhere. And don’t send your mech. monkeys. Send some from the chemical division. They have nothing to do anyway.
V: Cool. Consider it done!

[Anita enters with a catwalk. Ravan immediately falls into a melodic trance and is led off the battlefield. Ram leaves with celebration and there is celebration in the camp that night. ‘Hare Ram’ plays in the background]

The Legend of the Lone Striker

THE LEGEND OF THE LONE STRIKER This is no ordinary tale, my friend, and you shall heed it, you shall understand it, and you shall recollect it with a fond smile on your face (not gay, you fuck!) unto the end of your days. The battle I speak of was the first of its kind, but little did the warriors know that more of the same were in the offing. I was there that fateful day, not only as a lone observer, but as one among the fifteen (thousand) blood-thirsty men, constantly on the lookout for a demonic meteor let loose from the mouth of hell itself.

It was a lonely night, and the lamps had been lit. The moon was but young, a lonely crescent in a sky with only Orion for company. My brother in arms, Khan, our captain, was laughing. I went up to him to find what the reason could have been. He pointed into the distance, and we could see the overbearing silhouette of Vohra, our nemesis. Behind him walked the clan: MJ, Puneet, their captain Benjaland, Niaz, Jake, SRK and Ashfaq. They were prepared to join battle and rain fire upon us all, but little did they know that they faced not the spikes of diamond and spouts of fire, but the omnipresence of a wall and the edge of a cliff. Our captain whistled, and we gathered: me, Charsi, Loki, Madan, Bala, Nishant, and… well, that’s it. An unevenly poised match, and we would fight to the death.

Little did we know that ‘death’ would come some 5 minutes into the game!

Aahhh… what a game of football! I concede none of us were pros in whatever form, but it was as full fledged football should have been. The gameplan, at first, was to place the goal posts at opposite ends of the field: I guess we were too damn enthused to play at all, to let people see that even we knew where the field lay. But the size of the play area gradually shrank to about a 100 feet in length and some 40 feet in breadth. Since the teams were already formed, we kicked off. Some 20 minutes into the game, our team decided we would have to be on the defensive for some time since the opponent’s offence plan was simple but quite effective: to leave none of their team members behind to defend their goal. That meant all of them were on our side, and we were on our side, and the ball was on our side. Our defence only lasted till they scored their first goal, which was by SRK. The second goal came quick enough, but was a surprise: we scored it. Oh no, that’s wrong. Dhruv scored it. He was the lone striker ahead of us all. Imagine this: 6 defenders and 1 striker! And WE scored a goal! Awesome! So this meant that Benjaland’s team also sucked as much as we did, and Khan, our immeasurable captain, was running around the field like a maniac with a cup of coffee in his hand. Cup of coffee and around the football field!

Anyway, the next few minutes of the game formed the phase were both of the ‘clans’ were equally poised to win it. I fell back in this period, only to ifnd that I had let a monster loose upon them all: Bala! He was maniacal! And with him also surged Madan and Charsi. All of a sudden, our team found our brothers in arms to play proper football, with formative and coordinated efforts! I would have laughed if it hadn’t been so intense. At one point, we missed three goals in a row, two shots being a little too wide and one being offensive (forgot how, though). And yet again, our offence/defence stood only as long as they didn’t score a goal, and they soon did. It was SRK again.

We resumed play in a few minutes, but this phase of the game, was too tiring albeit comical. People began to get tired, Vohras began to pant, and some of us just wanted to squat and do nothing else. The high point came with Madan’s Hand of God – I doubt if he deserves such a title looking at his blunder: SRK took a corner kick, and Madan, being the goalie, stretched his palm out and against the ball rocketing towards him. In a clean and smooth diversion, the ball deflected into the goal and the score stood at 3-1. Basing our faith in the calculation that it would take us at least a few hours more to equal them and then fight back, we declared the game closed. Oh, what a battle!

We marched back to A.5 and sat down while the DOTAns pick-banned their way into the gaming night. There was a cat there, I don’t know wherefrom. We named it Sahil Mahajan/Ramesh in our vistory/defeat. Aahhh… life seemed perfect again. Engineers by day, footballers by the twilight, gamers/programmers by night. I wonder why we lack girlfriends, though.