TRamayan: A Spoof!

Characters: R – Ram; L – Lakshman; H – Hanuman; V – Ravan; S – Seeta.

Scene 1 [Ram and Lakshman are walking in the forest after Ravan takes away Seeta to Lanka]

L: So where are we going?
R: You ask that one more time and I’m leaving you!
L: Why so serious?
R: What do you mean why so serious? I didn’t want you on this trip in the first place!
L: Well, I thought that’d be obvious! You’re like 22 now, and I’m not even 20. Who’s gonna get me the booze?
R: Yeah, I can’t drink alone, too. So come along.
L: So where are we going?
R: Ok. Don’t make me repeat this. You know that chick I met the other day?
L: Seeta?
R: That’s the one. Really charming female. This dude’s taken her away to this island for the week end.
L: Uh oh! How did that happen?
R: Well, you know how we went on that picnic and she asked for the golden deer, and you cut that other chick’s nose?
L: C’mon man, I couldn’t help it! She looked like *********** (name withheld on request) for God’s sakes!
R: Yeah yeah, ok ok. Well the deer apparently belonged to this guy. So now, she’s gone.
L: Cool. Don’t worry man, we’ll get her back. So where are we going?
R: I know this friend from college who lives nearby. The name’s Hanuman. Nice guy.

Scene 2 [Ram and Lakshman are talking to Hanuman while the monkey army is assembling in the background]

R: Nice day. Pretty breezy. Sweet.
H: Cut the small talk. Get to the point.
L: I like you! And your tail! How do you keep it so silky and shiny?
H: Well it’s the shampoo. A special mix of…
R: Oh c’mon! My chick’s gone and you guys are worried about tails!
H: Oh! Sorry man. I’m sorry.
L: Yeah. Me too.
R: Got anything to drink? You know what I’m talking about.
H: I got stuff, yeah, but you wouldn’t wanna pee or puke on the way.
L: That’s there.
R: Right! So what’s the plan?
H: I got everything worked out man! First, we get this bridge thing built. The mechanical engineer monkeys are working on it.
L: How come I can’t see them?
H: Must be mass bunking. Anyway, next, we walk over this bridge, get off the other end, and then give this Ravan guy a missed call. He comes out and…
R: But I don’t have balance. You?
L: I don’t have balance either.
H: Well then give him a call request. He should show up in a few minutes. Etisalat?
[Both L and R]: Yup.
H: So that’s done. In the meanwhile, I’ll go to this guy’s place and meet your chick and tell her everything’s fine.
L: That’s a nice bit of thinking. But how’s she gonna know Ram sent you?
R: I got it. Here! Take my CGPA card. She’ll know it’s me. [Starts crying]
H: Oh man! C’mon. You don’t have to cry for this. You should know I’m dumber than you!

Scene 3 [The battle has begun, and Hanuman is away getting herbs for the injured Lakshman. Meanwhile, Ram engages Ravan while Seeta watches from the side]

[Background: A voice is shouting “M-M-M-MONSTER KILL!!!” and “UNSTOPPABLE!!!” as and when someone dies or scores a win]

V: Look at you loonies in my backyard! You know I’m gonna crush you like a bunch of ants under my feet! [Laughs with the sound of ten heads]
R: Don’t be so sure of victory, you five-times two-faced all-talk no-c**k! [Profanity buzzer goes off]! I’ll blog you, goddamn it!
V: Please! I know for a fact you can’t blog me! Leave that to Aditya Anand. Is he here by the way?
R: So where’s she? Where’s Seeta?
V: Don’t holler like that here! Just hear me out.
R: What?!
V: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
R: Which is… ?
V: You leave me with Seeta, and you get a carton. What say?
R: Hmmm… It is hard to refuse this. You got Blues?
V: No man. Only Reds.
R: Screw it! I’m taking Seeta!
S: You think I’m some product you can barter around? Shame on you guys!
R: Hey, hey! I’m here to take you home and that’s what I’m gonna do. Yo ten-face [to Ravan]! You want Seeta?! You’ll have to get through me first!
V: No one comes to my home carrying the stench of death. No one comes to my doorstep and insults my wife.
R: You have a wife?! Where’s she?
V: Let me finish! [Repeats the same lines] No one tells me what to do. In. My. Country. THIS! IS! LANKA!!! [Ravan sena shouts and clamours]
R: [Retreats to some distance] You face an army of free people who have nothing to lose! Indians! Leave nothing! Take everything! Tonight, we dine in hell!

[Shouting everywhere; all of the monkey army and the Ravan sena join battle. Hanuman returns in time to save Lakshman, who then resume fighting. After some fighting, the scene clears and we find Ram and Lakshman, and Ravan in a two-on-one, while Hanuman and Seeta watch from the side]

L: I tried! But this guy won’t die! It’s no use trying to kill him with arrows. He’s too IMBA!
R: Seeta! Does he have any weakness?!
S: Well, I don’t know. But he told me he had to leave a girl named Anita to come to me.
R: Oi! Hanu! Get this Anita female from somewhere. And don’t send your mech. monkeys. Send some from the chemical division. They have nothing to do anyway.
V: Cool. Consider it done!

[Anita enters with a catwalk. Ravan immediately falls into a melodic trance and is led off the battlefield. Ram leaves with celebration and there is celebration in the camp that night. ‘Hare Ram’ plays in the background]